I want to be so famous that movie stars hang out with me and talk about what
a bummer their lives are. I want to beat up photographers who catch me in
hotel lobbies with Winona Ryder. I want to be implicated in vicious rumors
about Drew Barrymore's sex parties. And, finally, I want to be pronounced
DOA in a small, tired LA hospital after doing speedballs with Matt Damon.
I want it all. I want the American dream.
The average person has three million-dollar ideas per year.
Scat, an unemployed marketing graduate who knows you don't get noticed
calling yourself Michael, has
had his first. It's a sure-fire ticket to the
life of shallow fame and fleeting celebrity he craves.
But first he has
to deal with 6, who is possibly the love of Scat's
life or possibly ripping him off, and
Sneaky Pete, marketing genius, refugee from Tokyo, and
Scat's best friend—as far as Scat knows.
People are about to watch my movie. Seriously. This is happening.
Until now, I’ve been able to say, “Oh yes, I have a movie,”
and no-one could say, “Yeah, I thought that SUCKED.” Because no-one had seen
it. That time is over.
Today, May 2, 2013, Syrup launches as a “sneak” on Video on Demand,
which is something I had no idea about until very recently, but I have since learned is
how you release an indie movie to generate buzz ahead of its theatrical
release. If you live in the US, you can
rent it right now from iTunes.
Also, if you have some kind of premium digital cable thing, you can
I’m not sure of the details there. I don’t live in the US. But it’s something like that.
The dream here is that Syrup breaks into the Top 10 Movie Rentals on iTunes.
That would be huge. So if you are in the US and want to help push it up the list, today is the day.
But back to me.
Over the last few years I’ve thought a lot about what happens if, like,
the movie turns out to be so bad that they write newspaper articles about it
and people come to my house asking why I would visit such an abomination
upon the earth. Also, what if it becomes the breakout hit of the year and
they write newspaper articles about it and people come to my house
asking can I help them sleep with Kellan Lutz.
Because movies get seen by a lot of people. And those people have strong opinions.
That’s a little daunting. Also, some people who read the novel have been
amazingly supportive of my career over 10 or 15 years, and I don’t want
them to be disappointed. Yet that’s kind of unavoidable, when adapting a book,
since a film can never match what’s in your head.
top of this, I still haven’t seen the movie. A while back, I decided to wait until I could
see it in a theater, since it’s kind of a big moment for me. But I didn’t anticipate
this on-demand sneak thing. I’m in Australia, where the film isn’t released until
November, and now I have this slightly awkward scenario where a lot of people will see it
So the movie is suddenly here and I don’t know what people will think.
Before I have a book published, I’ve at least
seen some early reviews, and the publisher has completed a print run (thrillingly
high or alarmingly small), which gives me a general idea of what to expect.
But today: nope. Which is kind of scary.
But I am going to try not to become lost in that, and remember to enjoy
how awesome it is to, you know, have a freaking movie. I’ve seen authors
do this: they dream of being published, but when it
finally happens, they’re so preoccupied with whether it will be
a hit that they don’t seem to actually enjoy the moment.
The reality is most books and movies aren’t breakout hits: they are read or seen
by some people, and some of those people love it and some don’t. And that’s it.
This isn’t very romantic, not the kind of thing you imagine about when you
dream of being an author or actor or filmmaker. But it’s still pretty great.
One of my favorite moments as an author is an email I received from a 14-year-old
who said Jennifer Government was the best book he’d read in his life.
It was so cute. I mean, obviously he hadn’t read that many books. But no-one
could be more gushingly, genuinely enthusiastic than this kid. I will never get a
more delighted email, no matter how many books I write, or how many people read them.
As far as creating something that connects with people, that’s as good as it gets.
This movie process has been awesome
all the way through. I got to write scripts, swap ideas with the director,
hang out on set, and try not to strangle Amber Heard with a necklace.
These are all amazing moments that I would have killed for as a 23-year-old,
writing the novel in my car during lunch breaks from my sales job. And
today is another one.
ONE MORE THING: How similar is the movie to the book?
Although I haven’t seen it, and don’t know how much of various scripts I wrote
are in the final movie, I do know I wrote a lot of stuff that departed heavily from the
book’s plot. I didn’t change the characters or the world much, but I changed what
they did. I mention this because I don’t think you should
go into the film expecting it to be exactly the same. I never wanted the film
to be like the book only with all the parts you imagined now filled in.
I wanted it to be something new.
I’m seriously losing the battle to Facebook and Twitter. It’s just
so easy to post stuff there. I hardly even need to think about it.
For a blog I actually have to spend time composing
my thoughts. I know that’s not really evident, but I do.
As a result, I have accumulated a COMPENDIUM OF NEWS, each item of
which failed to inspire a blog all by itself, but which nevertheless
requires mention. So buckle in, sparky.
Syrup Movie: Trailer & US Release Date
There was a
teaser, now there’s a trailer!
Those are different, trust me.
The film is out June 6, 2013 in the US. But there’s something called a “sneak
on demand” on May 2nd, which I think is some kind of Internet thing?
I don’t know. Will it be viable outside the US? I don’t know! But I’m excited!
I think that’s my shoulder at
I’m not sure. I didn’t think I was wearing
a jacket. But I was
standing behind Amber Heard while she made
sexy at the camera and no-one else was around. Don’t tell me I imagined that.
Lexicon: Early Reviews
My fifth novel,
Lexicon, comes out June 18 in the US & Canada and a few days later
in the UK, Australia, South Africa, and New Zealand. I’m not promising
this is the novel that will finally allow you to talk about me without
the other person saying, “Who?”, but the early signs are good.
There’s a big print run lined up, early reviews are very positive,
and awesome people are saying awesome things:
“About as close you can get to the perfect cerebral thriller: searingly smart,
ridiculously funny, and fast as hell.” —Lev Grossman, New York Times
bestselling author of ‘The Magicians’
“Lexicon grabbed me with the opening lines, and never let go. An absolutely
thrilling story, featuring an array of compelling characters in an eerily
credible parallel society, punctuated by bouts of laugh-out-loud humor.”
—Chris Pavone, New York Times Bestselling author of ‘The Expats’
“I don’t know how you could craft a better weekend read than this novel
of international intrigue and weaponized Chomskian linguistics.
It’s the perfect mix of philosophical play and shotgun-inflected chase
scenes. Like someone let Grant Morrison loose on the Bourne identity
—Austin Grossman, author of ‘Soon I Will be Invincible’ and ‘You’
“Dazzling and spectacularly inventive. A novel that jams itself sideways
into your brain and stays there.”
—Mike Carey, author of ‘Hellblazer’ and ‘Lucifer’
Also film rights to Lexicon have been optioned by
Matthew Vaughn, director of
a slew of incredible movies including Kick-Ass 1 & 2,
X-Men: First Class,
Startdust, and Layer Cake. Did I mention this already?
I don’t think I did. Anyway,
I think we’ve been down this road often enough
to realize that “optioned” doesn’t mean “there will definitely
be a film.” But it does mean there might be.
And I think Matthew’s record of turning optioned properties into films is
running at around 90%. That’s what he told me, anyway. So that could happen.
Book Tours & Events & Things
Melbourne, Australia: I’ll be launching Lexicon at an
Embiggen Books event on the day of Aussie publication (Tuesday 25th June).
They have a
running so you can always know exactly how many seconds you have to wait.
USA: So this is kind of awkward, because I have a film and a book coming out
a few weeks apart and I live a really long way away. I mean, it’s the good
kind of awkward. It’s the kind of problem you like to have. But at this stage it’s looking
like I’ll be in the US for early June, either in LA or New York, but won’t
come back for a whole tour. I’m thinking I might do some kind of pre-release thing
in whichever city I visit, where I read from the new book and then leave
you all frustrated and unable to purchase a copy.
UK & elsewhere: Sorry, you need to make me a lot more famous, to justify those air fares.
Do you want a Jennifer Government wallpaper? Of course you do! You’re not
Also these days Jennifer Government is looking less like a film
and more like a TV series. Just FYI.
Look at this Korean Machine Man cover. There’s a flamingo on it. Are
there flamingos in the novel? No! Not that I recall. But there it is. The back
of the cover has a whale and a stag as well.
On the right is the Japanese cover, which I think is super cool. That comes out
on May 10. I say this knowing full well that not a single person will
think, “Oh, that’s good to know. I’m an English-speaking Max Barry fan living in Japan
right now.” But still.
that Machine Man film
is still ticking along. You might have thought that since there has
been nothing announced for a year or two, that dream was gone. But no! FYI.
(Unless you want to completely avoid spoilers. As in, you
haven’t read the book. And you don’t intend to. But you really want to see
the movie. And you’re browsing my site. You’re a strange person.)
Amber Heard as 6, Shiloh Fernandez as Scat:
Scat gazes skyward while a machine lurks ominously in the background:
Kellan Lutz as Sneaky Pete:
Now for some ANSWERS to COMMON QUESTIONS.
I don’t believe there’s an official release date yet, but it can’t
be too far away now, can it? Not with these STILLS. So I’m guessing
within the next six months.
seen the film; I am waiting until I can see it in a cinema.
Because having a novel turned into a feature film, that’s
kind of a big deal. I don’t want to watch the end result of that on a DVD.
I want to sit in a theater and crane my neck and eat popcorn. Right?
The movie doesn’t strictly follow the plot of the book. I can say that
without seeing it because I wrote many screenplay drafts,
and they didn’t strictly follow the plot of the book. I don’t think movies
should be like books only with all the parts you’d normally imagine filled in.
I think they should do their own thing. They should be true to the core
of the book but express that in whichever ways work best.
Also, you know how I rewrite my novels to death? Oh. Well, I do. I change
a lot in each new draft. So imagine me adapting my own novel. It’s a miracle
If you missed it before, here is
I think it’s awesome. I was so happy when I saw this. I watched it
about thirty times in a row.
Somehow an Amber Heard fansite got hold of a “Syrup” teaser that
had been made up for distribution people, and posted it to YouTube.
This is the same teaser I saw in February but wasn’t allowed to show
anyone. But now it’s out there!
If you want a second-by-second analysis of exactly which lines are from
the book and which I wrote for the screenplay and which they added and
where I was standing when they filmed what, I am totally prepared to do that.
Lately I’ve been feeling sympathy for actors. I never used to feel that. I
used to think actors deserved NOTHING, because they’re already
beautiful and adored. And people are swoon over how clever
and cool they must be in real life, because apparently they improvised
their best lines and YOU KNOW WHAT NO THEY DID NOT. They played
the damn character that was written for them, that’s what they did.
The alternative only gets play because people believe in their hearts that
movies are real.*
Essentially, I viewed actors as mindless automatons waiting to be
filled with words. Attractive automatons, to be sure. They’re a fine
looking bunch. And they’re good at pretending. But that’s not a
particularly impressive skill. I mean, kids do it. So I’ve never
really rated actors as more deserving of respect than, say,
jugglers. Especially jugglers who can balance on things while they
juggle. That shit is not easy.
But this was before I actually spent time on a film set. I found that
educational in a few ways. For one thing, I had to act.
Only a little. I’m kind of abusing the term here. I mostly had to
stand in one place and not sneeze. But there was a time when I had
to move parts of my body in a coherent way while fifty people and
a very expensive camera stared at me, and that turned out to be
harder than I expected. There is a pressure element. So I concede
that acting, or doing anything, really, is more challenging
when a lot of people’s time and money is riding on you not screwing it up.
But the real eye-opener was how actors have to do what they’re told.
Not always. Sometimes actors can say, “I’m not really feeling that line,”
and the director will say, “Let’s try it both ways,” and the actor can
perform a take differently while knowing in their soul that it will never
be seen again. Actors are also free to perform minor on-the-fly
sentence surgery, so long as they get the essence right. In some cases,
they really can propose something different, and if the director
agrees, they get to do it. But mostly they have to say the lines.
So if I write, “6 looks surprised,” then Amber Heard has to go ahead and look
surprised. I want you to take a moment to think about how much you
would enjoy it if you were world famous and had to look surprised just
because I wanted you to. Because I would hate it. I would be all, “I tell
you what, how about you go fuck yourself?” Now, okay, this probably just
means I would make a crappy actor. I already knew that. And I knew
actors had to say the lines. That is the most fundamental part
of their job. If they weren’t prepared to do it,
they would find something else to do, like juggle while balancing on things.
But still. I realize more and more how spoiled I am to own the entire
process of creating a novel. I don’t need anyone’s permission to start
writing. I don’t need to convince people
to sign off on doing a part of the story a particular way. I just do it. You might argue
that this isn’t a good thing. And I might argue, why don’t you get off my
site, if you hate me so much. But for better or worse, I enjoy the ability to determine how I do
Actors don’t have that. They have to give themselves to a role no matter how
shitty. They’re totally dependent on being offered good scripts, and if
they’re not, they have to perform bad ones. When they perform bad roles,
even when they do a good job, people think they’re bad actors, because
people think movies are real.* An actor might never once get the chance to
perform a role at their best. Which is kind of horrifying.
Of course, they can console themselves with their immense beauty.